As part of my birthday gift from Ryan, he got me a notebook filled of writing prompts. I love it. I am one of those nerds who loved their creative writing class. It was a fun outlet for me. So it's right up my alley. It's a skill I don't utilize much anymore.
I felt awful. Out of no where my mood just went completely dark. I felt like I was back in the days of post baby. Every single thing was overwhelming me. It was exhausting fighting back that mood to not lash out at my family. Ryan had asked me what I wanted for lunch and that was too much for me. I couldn't answer it. I saying silent prayers to help me find a way to get out of that funk. It was miserable and lonely. Finally I had a break through, it was a few weeks of not doing anything for myself(and just not moving because that wicked sunburn). It clicked what was wrong. It was too late to head out to the gym, and my back was disgusting to look at. So I thought back to hobbies I had time for before kids. I pulled out my keyboard and played. It opened the clouds a little. The boys were quick to come in and try to take it over. Unfortunately my door slammed shut once the bickering started. I hadn't realized how empty I let myself get. Tears fell.
Then Cole quietly got up and came back with a tissue.
Of course tears fell even more now. The door that was shut, burst open with sunshine. I don't know how I have raised such a caring child. He's so full of empathy and love. He's blessing to me. In that small moment, I wasn't taking care of him, he was taking care of me. I mugged that child with hugs and told him how much I appreciated him. Cameron too.
So that night I took the time to write in the prompt book.
The first prompt was
"While at the beach you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say? Who would you like to find it?"
"I've come to learn in my years that I am most happy when I'm happy with who I am. There are always things I want to be different about myself, or my circumstances. I've observed that when I'm actively working on improving my flaws whether it be physical or personality I'm more at peace with who I am. I become a better Mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I learned before I got married that I needed to love who I am. Then my life changed. I became a wife, and soon after a mother. I found myself once again struggling with who I was in my new role. I struggled until all I found was despite for the person in the mirror. I have continued to struggle. I have to actively work when those moments come, when the moods come I have to push back. I have to fight the feelings of worthlessness and remember me. Remember the person who is often buried by the role of motherhood. I'm still that person I have accepted years ago. That person just needs some attention. Once I again do the things that help me improve, I become alive again."
In the prompt I didn't specify who I'd like to find it, because I really didn't care who would find it. It wasn't for anyone really, but to write down a reminder for myself to let the light in.