Saturday, September 02, 2017


Last week burst into action.

I found out I had a ovarian cyst.
Monday and Tuesday(aug 21st,22nd I would get random sharp pains. They hurt. A lot. But they only hit once a day. It was random enough for me to disregard them. I also started class that week so perhaps it was nerves. Wednesday morning I woke up to incredibly sore boobs. I mean a light breeze would hurt sore. That night as I was trying to study the material we went over in class those sharp pains started coming over and over and over. Now I was getting suspicious something was wrong. Trying to think about what would be causing this, it clicked. I have a frickin ovarian cyst.  I was pretty certain. The pain was right where a ovary would be. I did a quick google search to see if I was right or wrong. The symptoms matched up and the IUD can cause those. 
Thursday morning I went to class and during a pop quiz those pains came again. I'm not certain I did well on that stupid quiz. I called my doctors office to get a appointment and they had nothing until the following Thursday. 
I spent the week just feeling like crap because all the hormones going crazy made me feel like I was pregnant. I peed on so many pregnancy tests. I didn't know the pain was it bursting. I thought it was a cyst starting. I didn't want to know what the bursting pain was going to be like. Little did I know that's what I was experiencing. I got them to move my appointment up to Wednesday(Aug 30th) because I was really starting to get fed up feeling this way. They did a ultrasound and nothing. NOTHING. I was so confused.
Then I spoke to my doctor. She said everything looks good, but that's probably because it had already burst and the evidence of the scene has been cleared away already. 
Meanwhile my body is going insane with the hormones.
They had me do a pregnancy test there just to be sure because of my history. 
We started a plan to switch birth controls because the benefits have officially been outweighed by the negative side effects.  
Friday(Sept 1st) I had lost my mind. I was emotional at everything. Moana made me cry. This video of a 4 year old with no limbs helping put a pacifier in his newborn siblings mouth made me cry every time I thought about it, so about 5 times. Then feeling like I was losing my mind made my cry. 
I really really really hate birth control. It's a necessary evil in my life. I'm hoping my next option works really well and doesn't make me go nuts. 
Right as the morning sickness stomach went away, I caught Cole's cold. 
It's been a really crappy couple weeks. 
I really hate birth control. 
But on the other side, the eclipse was really cool to see.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Writing Prompts. Bucket List Edition

I don't think I have ever written down a bucket list in my adult life. I've had some goals here and there. I've made the fairy tale bucket list as a kid.  
"Name the top ten things on your bucket list"
I had to really think on this one. I have ones that are unattainable realistically. Heck, being debt free is almost stretching it attainable it feels. Woo Student loans.

1) Go to Hawaii
2) Finish school
3)Set up photography business
4) Own a home
5)Be debt free
6)Travel outside the country(England, Denmark, or Costa Rica have my attention)
7) Learn horseback riding
8) Be a better Mother
9) Becoming more skilled at violin
10) Always make my marriage a happy one.

Some of these I can be working on right now. Like finishing school, being debt free, being a better Mother, and making my marriage a happy one always. I guess I could say I'm working on photography since I'm still trying to improve my skill set on that one. I don't think I'm quite ready for some time on that one.  It felt nice to write it all out and see what I could actively work on right now.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017


This last weekend we were able to get away. The kids went and spent time with Grandma and Grandpa Jackson. Thursday we cleaned up the house a ton, getting a lot of things off our to do list. Our get away was a stay-cation. It's more enjoyable if the house is actually clean. Friday morning we wanted the kids to have fun. Cole had been begging to go fishing, so we took them out. 
It went horrible. We lost a bobber, had to retrieve it, had to fish their line out of the weeds many times, much tripping, Cole actually walked into Ryan's line and got his shirt hooked then tried to grab the hook with his hand. They are usually more safe when we take them out, so we called it quits.  I wanted to have fun with them before they left for the weekend, and ended up having to bring out my broom. I ended up catching two fish. First one broke my line, second one I actually caught. Though I did accidentally poke it in it's eye.

After we left we took them to 5 Below to pick out a cheap toy. Cam picked a whoopee cushion and Cole picked a snow plow. We went back home and Cam was in a ornery mood. He had to go spend time in timeout. Once I got him to calm down we got them a sandwich for lunch.Then Ryan's Dad texted saying he could pick up the kids! This was about 4 hours before we were expecting. It was awesome! Cam slunk back down into his foul mood though. But as soon as Grandpa knocked, it disappeared. If I wasn't so relived he was being so nice to Grandpa instead of a pain in the butt I would have been annoyed. We went out to see Spider-Man Homecoming. It was awesome! We had been really wanting to see that a while. Afterwards we went out to Olive Garden. We actually got dressed up to go. It was nice to feel gussied up out on the town with my crush.  After we went home and changed again, and this time drove out to look at the stars. The meteor shower was the next day(Saturday) but we were able to see a lot already. We stayed out till about 1:30AM.

Saturday we had planned to go into Champaign. We went to the park we got our engagement photos done at. It's a excellent deer spotting park. This time we saw two fawns, and their Mom. The fawns came so close to us. About 6 to 7 feet away. When I saw the two babies I was a little worried because I couldn't see Mom. Eventually we spotted her and she was watching us. After a few minutes she went back to foraging. It was a really neat experience.

He's ready to go, and I'm ready to fly...or pull someone over. (the aviators)

You can see the second baby between the first ones ears.
 Afterwards we headed to Portillos. First time we had that. Unfortunately we saw the battery light turn on in the car. We finished our meal and headed across the street to use some coupons for meijer, and looked at the mall. My shoes which were older betrayed me. The plastic part on the back popped out and started digging into the back of my foot. So on our way out we stopped at Shoe Carnival and used that coupon to finally replace them. It had been a long time coming. Then we finally  headed back home. At the time the car was behaving normally just had a light on, then on the way home the dash started lighting up like a Christmas tree. It began fighting everything. Luckily we hadn't got that far and it was right at the exit for Ryan's parents house. So we hopped on the exit. As soon as we turned it off we were fairly positive it wasn't turning back on it's own. Jumping it, it was not doing so hot on it's own battery. But leeching off our vans battery it worked just fine. So I was confused at that point. So we took the van and drove to buy a battery. Luckily the coupons we had used earlier that day were multiple use coupons. Of course our presence had inspired Cameron into a tantrum, I can say he feels very comfortable around us though. I feel bad, but also thankful Ryan's parents took care of him and let us focus on the car.  He can be a handful when his temper takes control. Once we changed out the battery it was back to normal. So we headed back home. About 15 minutes down the road it started lighting up again, but this time it let us get home. We took their car out to look at the actual meteor shower. We saw some big ones! We also heard a cow in the distance. It was a "you had to be there moment" I think, as Ryan mentioned he could hear a person or a animal go "meeeeeooooo"
Then when I heard it, I bursting out laughing saying it was a cow.  His imitation of the person/animal which ended up being a cow was very amusing to me. To give him credit though the cow did sound very far away.  We didn't stay out as late since Ryan had to work the next day. We went out to breakfast(totally broke the was vacation...I'm justifying my siiiinns) It was a delicious sin. It was a Merry-Anns dinner. Ryan had to get ready for work. After he left I finished some cleaning tasks and then read a book in the quiet house for a few hours. It was so quiet. 
When the Ryan's parents came to drop off the kids, we went to drop off the car at our mechanic. I was unsure if it would make it, but it did! The weekend had it's hiccups, hey we had the gift of education about cars. I now have learned about alternators and the going rate to replace them!

The other bright side to this weekend was after weeks of my low back being in constant pain, it's finally feeling better! I had caved after a couple weeks of my low back not relenting. I had X-rays done(found a good deal for exam and X-Rays for $25!) and found out I had a disc bulge. And to top it off that disc was a little deformed. So we started off with twice a week adjustments. Then to one. The pain hadn't subsided at all until last weeks. I got worked over. I thought that one was going to be the game changer, it felt like he moved my entire spine up. Ever since then the pain is gone. Stiffness is still there, but man does it feel good to not hurt.  

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Writing Prompts

Write ten original thoughts that will be stuffed inside fortune cookies for perfect strangers to read
1) You'll regret this discount Chinese food in 4 hours.
2) Don't forget to look around and notice the strangers
3) If you notice what you do have in life, letting go of what you don't have becomes easier
4) That wasn't chicken
6) Sometimes life is just going to hurt, face it you'll become stronger. Run, you become weaker
7)Ask for help if needed
8) Don't plagerize. It's bad.
9) If you do your best you won't regret it
10) It's okay to cry about Sirius. It's okay if Dumbledore destroyed you.

I feel very rusty in the creative writing department.

Monday, August 07, 2017

500 Writing Prompts

As part of my birthday gift from Ryan, he got me a notebook filled of writing prompts. I love it. I am one of those nerds who loved their creative writing class. It was a fun outlet for me. So it's right up my alley. It's a skill I don't utilize much anymore. 

I felt awful. Out of no where my mood just went completely dark. I felt like I was back in the days of post baby. Every single thing was overwhelming me. It was exhausting fighting back that mood to not lash out at my family. Ryan had asked me what I wanted for lunch and that was too much for me. I couldn't answer it. I saying silent prayers to help me find a way to get out of that funk. It was miserable and lonely.  Finally I had a break through, it was a few weeks of not doing anything for myself(and just not moving because that wicked sunburn). It clicked what was wrong. It was too late to head out to the gym, and my back was disgusting to look at. So I thought back to hobbies I had time for before kids. I pulled out my keyboard and played. It opened the clouds a little. The boys were quick to come in and try to take it over. Unfortunately my door slammed shut once the bickering started. I hadn't realized how empty I let myself get. Tears fell.
 Then Cole quietly got up and came back with a tissue. 
Of course tears fell even more now. The door that was shut, burst open with sunshine. I don't know how I have raised such a caring child. He's so full of empathy and love. He's blessing to me. In that small moment, I wasn't taking care of him, he was taking care of me. I mugged that child with hugs and told him how much I appreciated him. Cameron too. 
So that night I took the time to write in the prompt book. 

The first prompt was
"While at the beach you decide to write a message in a bottle. What would it say? Who would you like to find it?"

"I've come to learn in my years that I am most happy when I'm happy with who I am. There are always things I want to be different about myself, or my circumstances. I've observed that when I'm actively working on improving my flaws whether it be physical or personality I'm more at peace with who I am. I become a better Mother, wife, daughter, and friend. I learned before I got married that I needed to love who I am. Then my life changed. I became a wife, and soon after a mother. I found myself once again struggling with who I was in my new role. I struggled until all I found was despite for the person in the mirror. I have continued to struggle. I have to actively work when those moments come, when the moods come I have to push back. I have to fight the feelings of worthlessness and remember me. Remember the person who is often buried by the role of motherhood. I'm still that person I have accepted years ago. That person just needs some attention. Once I again do the things that help me improve, I become alive again."
In the prompt I didn't specify who I'd like to find it, because I really didn't care who would find it. It wasn't for anyone really, but to write down a reminder for myself to let the light in.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

30 and Red

3 0

I have turned 30. 
Ryan had 3 days off this week since he took my birthday off as a vacation day. It was awesome! We hung around town and utilized coupons. Ryan gave me a aloe vera plant, writing prompt book, and a mermaid bag for my kindle. The mermaid bag is a a huge hit among the kids to play the sequins. 
Saturday we went to Clinton Lake. We packed our lunch and had a blast. Unfortunately time got away from me and I forgot to reapply the sun screen. Fortunately the kids aren't that bad. They don't even realize they are a little red. Ryan and I are not as lucky. My face is red, but my back got the worst of it. At the moment it really hurts to wear clothes with sleeves. Last night I had a fever and a headache. I chugged about 3 bottles of water to try and cool my down from the inside out. It took hours for the headache to go away. Out of all of us, I have it the worst, then it's Ryan. His back is pretty red, however his face is fine. I haven't had a bad sunburn in so long, I have forgotten what they felt like. 
Can't say that I miss them.
I feel like it's my fault Ryan is sun burnt and in pain. I won't forget to reapply next time so he won't hurt next time.

Ryan is getting our desk organized since come September he'll be in school online, and I'll in school as well. I'm excited for that since it means organized and less chaos. Clutter is not my favorite thing and I'm always getting rid of things here. I donate a garbage bag of items at least once a month.

We have gotten the kids their bunk bed. We have been looking for it a while and found a excellent deal on one, and prime day came and we got the mattresses for a deal. They were so pumped. Cole kept telling me thank you over and over when it was finally set up. I was pretty sure we'd have a ER visit within the week for a broken limb, but they have been pretty responsible
Kids have finished their soccer for the summer. They had so much fun. Cole had made a friend in that class too. They were usually in the same group and would act really goofy. Cam had lots of fun and was very good at following instructions.  They looked forward to it every week. It was nice having a activity to go to. Now we just wait for school to start. 

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


Happy Anniversary to us!
This year it fell on a Sunday. We honestly haven't done anything to celebrate. It's seems like everyone is having a busy summer this year. I have enjoyed having him for my companion on this adventure. Full disclosure some of our adventures have absolutely sucked. However, he's made the not so fun adventures manageable. He's been someone I can learn from. He's made the fun adventures unforgettable. We make each other laugh during the lows. He even helps make the sad moments forgettable. Can I just say I'm so happy we got married on a zero year? It makes it so much easier to count. I know how lucky I was to meet someone like him. I'm thankful for him in my life. I wish time would slow down sometimes. Seven years is so short and it's flown by.